Trigger Warnings: Depression, Suicidal Ideation/Suicidal thoughts, drowning, self harm
After The Great Depression came quite a bit of change for As It Is. The strong five-piece fans came to know and love faded into a thriving three-piece with the departure of former guitarist and founding member Ben Langford-Biss and former drummer Patrick Foley. Many were concerned about what this would mean regarding the fate of the beloved Brighton rock band. While change is hard to swim through, often you'll find that growth follows after. Little by little As It Is started dropping singles, preparing listeners for the absolute journey which is I Went To Hell And Back. From the drop of the first single, “IDGAF,” I had a feeling LP4 would hit hard, yet even with nearly half the album being released as singles I was still wholly unprepared for the listening experience that was this album.
Much like the previous album The Great Depression, I Went To Hell And Back was released at just the right moment in my life. Perhaps it just makes the perfect sequel to the prior era, but I found myself relating to each and every track just as I did a few years ago. I had been thinking about how to approach reviewing this G-d tier level album and decided I would go for something slightly different. A while back I wrote a piece for a chronic illness blog comparing the Journey “The Poet” goes through in The Great Depression to my own personal mental health journey. Seeing how heavily relatable I Went To Hell And Back is to my current mental health status, I thought it would be cool to go track by track in a similar fashion, this time for NScene. As the content warnings above state, this review will be discussing some sensitive subjects regarding the reality of mental health– specifically my own mental health. As It Is is known for sharing their truth and being raw about their own mental health experiences in their lyrics, and I plan on doing the same within this review.
We start off strong with the first single As It Is released, “IDGAF.” When first teased, the band tweeted claiming “IDGAF” would be the new fan favorite. I was a bit skeptical, not sure how any song could top “Turn Back To Me” off their debut full-length Never Happy Ever After, yet was absolutely in awe at first listen. This was the first drop in three years, the single being oh so satisfying once released. Instantly I found myself craving for more, hoping the album would be in a similar style. Thankfully I was not disappointed. As album openers go this is by far the best I’ve seen from As It Is, surpassing “The Great Depression.” It is clear this Brighton-based rock band has been taking notes from the liking of Jimmy Eat World, a band notorious for killer album openers. Not only was the chorus stuck in my head, but it exactly described how I felt– and still do feel. In fact, the whole song lyrically said what I wish I could say to my therapist. “Close my eyes and cross my fingers I don’t wake up, ‘cause I don’t really wanna die but really don’t give a fuck.” While I do think about suicide occasionally, I don’t actually want to go through with anything. I have no plans and don’t have any desire to do anything, yet at the same time, I wouldn’t be upset if one day I didn’t wake up from that night’s slumber. This is a thought process I go through on my worst days, hoping something happens offering me an escape from reality. I often find myself thinking “something’s gotta give before I give the fuck up.”
[PHOTOSENSITIVITY WARNING]
Following up with my numb wishes, I usually tell myself I am okay just to make it through the day. Some days the only thing that gets me moving is the lies I tell myself. This is where the second track and single “I LIE TO ME” comes into play. Often I find myself saying “everything will be alright like I’m that naive,” constantly “running from my demons.” One could say I run from my problems just like how the animated band members run from the lyrics in the lyric video. You can run all you want, yet try as you might you can never outrun your problems. They always catch up to you at the end. While this track may be my least favorite out of the singles, the lyric “Think better things until the black and white start to saturate” is one of my top lyrics. Perhaps it’s the photographer in me or perhaps I just am so used to saturating my own thoughts. Part of what I learned in therapy was to counteract every intrusive or catastrophic thought with logical thinking. For instance, a common intrusive thought I have is that no one will want to work with a disabled photographer. The music industry is already cutthroat on its own, but add in being disabled and things get even harder. To counter this I would remind myself how my chronic illness is a part of me, and because of that, I have learned to adapt to any situation. I am prepared to handle my health and that does not affect my skills in the slightest. I am still a badass photographer and journalist and I am more than able to pull my own weight. The more intrusive the thought is the harder it becomes to think up something positive. Sometimes I have to lie to myself and then the line between fiction and fact starts to blur, which is the ultimate message of this song.
[PHOTOSENSITIVITY WARNING]
Singles “ILY, HOW ARE YOU” and “IDC, I CAN’T TAKE IT” were released together, so it came as no surprise to have these tracks placed back to back. Previously I had glossed over these tracks as part of a monthly round-up post. It is practically impossible to talk about one song without mentioning the other, for they blend into one all too relatable tale with even more relatable lyrics. Sort of like a two-act play, “ILY, HOW ARE YOU” makes Act One, detailing how easy it is to portray how everything is fine and dandy when in actuality you feel like you’re drowning. “White lies, blue skies, but the rain is pouring.” I have quite the bad habit of telling white lies anytime I am asked if I am okay. Whether it be mentally or physically I find it easier to pretend everything is okay while in actuality I am suffocating. This lasts until I physically and mentally can’t take it anymore, leading into “IDC, I CAN’T TAKE IT.” You can only bottle your emotions for so long before everything shoots out like a carbonated geyser explosion. There are only so many lies you can use to assure yourself and others that you are fine before the truth spills out. As It Is make this abundantly clear with lyrics such as “It’s hard to feel high when you’re hitting the ground from a kamikaze comedown.” It’s at this point that I break down, obliterating everything in my wake without care. Slowly I start to care again and the white lies build as I pick up the collateral damage I caused. A continuous cycle I can’t seem to work my way out of.
Next is the first non-single in the entire album, “I’D RATHER DIE.” From the title, I was quite anxious to hear how this would play out. Some songs are a touch too relatable, triggering more anxiety than it heals. Usually, I skip these types of tracks. As much as a good cry can be beneficial, no song is worth the trouble and hyperventilation of flashbacks and anxiety attacks. Sometimes it cuts too close. There is a reason why the music video for Set It Off’s “Killer in the Mirror” caused me to hyperventilate uncontrollably. As cool as the music video was, watching Cody drown in the pool brought me back to a traumatizing point in my childhood. Now that I know what to expect, I can fully enjoy the music video, yet beforehand I knew nothing. It was a total surprise. Not knowing what to expect from “I’D RATHER DIE” scared me. Just as I predicted, this track was lyrically on point, hitting me where it hurt the most. I hated how accurate the lyrics were to my very thought process, but ultimately I loved how comforting it was to know I was not alone. Someone else felt exactly like I did, or else this song wouldn’t even exist. As It Is doesn’t whip up songs this emotionally strong without having the personal experience to write from.
Bringing a touch of light and a break from the ache comes yet another single, “I MISS 2003.” A self-proclaimed love letter to the scene, this anthem is filled with reference after reference. A much-needed smile after all the tears shed from the previous track. The music from our childhood and adolescent years held us together through the worst moments and celebrated with us during the best. Whether it be 2003 or 2013 we often find ourselves nostalgically wishing for the most positive moments from the past. I desperately miss who I was before being diagnosed with a whole Pokedex of chronic illnesses. I used to be an athlete, a synchronized swimmer to be specific, leaving all the negativity behind when entering the pool deck. I miss living my best impulsive life, back when I held less responsibility. I really do want to pass through every red light just to press rewind, yet I am stuck in adulthood balancing chronic illness, a day job, a dream career, and a wilting social life. If I learned anything from this song, it’s that you are never too old to sing to New Found Glory at the top of your lungs.
[PHOTOSENSITIVITY WARNING]
Not sure if it’s because I am chronically ill or if it’s just a wicked banger, but the next track “I’M SICK AND TIRED” is my absolute favorite. If I had one dollar for every time I’d sang “my head is in the mushroom clouds again” inside a Costco I would– okay well realistically I would have enough to buy one or two copies of this very album. Something about the beat has me wanting to start a spinny chair moshpit. Logistically I don’t know how that would work out, but the melody and bass line makes me believe this could be possible. Lyrically speaking, the message of feeling tired of holding on and staying strong is shown. The world may keep spinning round and round, but my mind is still stuck in the clouds, and it is getting quite lethargic. Lyrics such as, “My head is feeling like a cage, self-destructing into nothing, shackled to your leash, I’m incomplete, your never gonna leave me” vividly describe the feeling when your intrusive thoughts have you trapped to the point you can’t find an escape. On bad days, my intrusive thoughts will weigh me down. Not like a weighted blanket, but like each thought its own ten-pound cinderblock, letting my corpse fall to the body of the ocean. I am sick of drowning and all I want to do is swim to the surface, but the reality is my intrusive thoughts will never fully leave me alone. This gets cemented with the chorus reprieve, “Am I losing my head, Am I losing my voice, Am I losing my heart, Am I losing my choice.” Leave it to As It Is to create self-deprecating and bone-chillingly accurate lyrics to an otherwise upbeat "posi posi" bop. A signature As It Is juxtaposition old school fans have grown to love.
The next track immediately drags you in the middle of a moshpit, bringing the perfect post-hardcore vibe we all knew As It Is was capable of doing. We know this band has the talent and capability to cover a wide variety of genres. We have seen firsthand the versatility with the carefully created reimagined tracks off their third full length, The Great Depression. On one of those tracks, Patty started screaming, going full force into the hardcore genre. To my amazement, Patty Walters continued to utilize his screaming talent, giving us far more variety than any As It Is album has offered beforehand, not including any reimagined tracks, with “I WANT TO SEE GOD.” Ronnie Ish and Alistair Testo keep up the pace and energy, ramping up a killer track that I wish was an actual single. The lyrics itself are sharpened daggers, ready to cause emotional damage. “I don’t see the light, I don’t feel alive, I don’t think my thoughts and I should be alone tonight.” I know Ice Nine Kills says the fastest way to a girl’s heart is through her ribcage, yet I was not expecting As It Is to be the band to do me in.
The relatability is just too strong, for I too have been so trapped by my intrusive thoughts that I have been scared for my own safety. Usually, when I find myself this trapped I end up falling into the urge of self-harm. Lately, I have been on a good streak, nearly 6 months free from my last relapse. It doesn’t matter how many times you fall back, it matters how many times you get back up and push forward. I am so grateful to have made it this far without succeeding in my suicidal ideation, and even more proud of how long I have gone without giving in to any harmful intrusive thoughts. It’s a struggle for sure, but know that holding out is possible and you are so much stronger than you think. If you don’t feel safe alone in your thoughts, feel free to reach out to someone you trust. If you feel it’s best to check self in for what the internet calls “a grippy sock vacation,” go ahead and do it. It’s okay to reach out for help and it’s okay to acknowledge that you can’t do it alone. This song has the most impactful lyrics of the bunch, dousing me in reality and the assurance that others feel the same way I do. I am not alone, and neither are you. Musically, if As It Is takes a similar route for LP5 as Trash Boat has in their latest release, I would be absolutely thrilled.
Nine is the third multiple of three, so it only makes sense to have “IN THREES” as the ninth track on the album. Adding to the mathematical magic, this song is a collaboration between three amazing artists– As It Is, Set It Off, and JordyPurp. Each artist has their own distinctive traits, yet when all three are in one room the chaos creates something so powerful and unique that your initial reaction is simply just the phrase, “fuck, this is good”-- a reaction stronger than Owen Wilson saying the word “wow.” Three heads are definitely better than one and this final single is proof of that. As As It Is constantly mentioned, “IN THREES” is not an As It Is song with two features, it is a whole collaboration. The only thing better than hearing this track is seeing it performed live. Instrumentally we have a theatrical feel, instantly bringing me back to my drama kid days in high school. I suppose once a theater kid always a theater kid. This is a full-on tragedy-themed anthem that drama club kids would eat up in an instant. Closing my eyes, I can already hear the chorus being chanted down the halls, “Misery, don’t sleep, trying to take back what it gave me, tragedy, comes in threes, third degree, apathy.” Tragedy truly comes in threes, yet this song only brings me pure happiness every time I listen. “IN THREES” happens to be my dad’s favorite track, giving this song the “Donald State of Approval.”
Swinging back into the classic happy-sad As It Is anthemic sound is track number ten, “I HATE ME TOO.” Recently, the band released a music video for this track matching the pop-punk boppin’ beat. A light-hearted visual for an uplifting instrumental. Vaguely I was reminded of the music video for “Hopeless Case” by Roam. I wish I could say the lyrics were just as bubbly, yet this is not that kind of album nor that kind of track. Lyrically I was kicked in the gut and brought to my knees, bringing me back to middle school– when my self-deprecating thoughts first started. “I HATE ME TOO” is about believing the awful things people say about you. You hear them so many times and you start to wonder “what if what they are saying is true?” and “When did I start agreeing with the internet?” Your anxiety makes this ten times worse, insisting that these are not rumors, these are truths, You are not reading hate comments, you are reading facts. It gets to the point where you too start to hate yourself.
Middle school is a tough time for most individuals, and I was no exception. Growing up neurodivergent and disabled I was always seen as the “quirky kid” no one wanted to be around. I had one best friend and a few others who I considered friends yet found out they talked behind my back about the way I dressed, the way I walked, and the way I can’t stop talking about my favorite niche subjects. Constantly I was berated about the way I walked like a duck, faked painful injuries for attention, and was “too loud.” In the school cafeteria, I was repeatedly asked if I was gay because of my love for flannels, skinny jeans, and collared shirts. This was a time when gay was used as an insult, which made me think they weren’t actually asking about my sexuality but looking for a way to kick me when I’m down. I always denied everything and ran off to my four friends. Halfway through my 6th-grade year, a classmate threatened to kill me with nunchucks he had inside his locker. I knew he was into martial arts and was not the best at reading sarcasm. Out of fear, I let a guidance counselor know what was going on and instantly the whole grade turned on me. People I thought were friends were furious I was unable to tell a joke from a threat. The only person I had was my best friend and the teachers. When I moved towns I took all the anxiety and rude comments with me, afraid of what these new kids would say. The anxiety increased and my self-esteem lowered. Once again I moved towns, yet still, I was suffocating in my own intrusive thoughts. I hated myself too. I still often hate myself or things that I do, yet I have improved so much since graduating high school. I am starting to see how wrong everyone was. Rumors were rumors, and I was set for a fun career where I could live my dream daily. If only twelve-year-old Hana could see herself now.
Melodically, the next track “I’M GONE,” reminds me of the Okay-era. The era where tragedy was masked by fake positivity. An era where the beat acted like rose-colored glasses, hiding the dark and devastating lyrics and true message of the music. Don’t be fooled by the fast-paced bop, for “I’M GONE” glosses over the heartache of losing your support system. This track can be interpreted in multiple ways from romantic to platonic. Lyrically one can argue this is about the thought of losing a significant other, yet I chose to relate it to the loss of a platonic support system. When you become chronically ill you find it easy to weed out who is there for you and who hung around for their own benefit. Friendships end and it ultimately sucks. What hurts, even more, is when you lose someone who you originally considered to be the foundation of your support structure. A few years ago I ended a friendship with someone I strongly cared about. It was a messy situation and I had at the time an undiagnosed mood disorder that went untreated and caused harm. My mental health did not and does not excuse the harm I caused, and I still wake up in a cold sweat with heart palpitations, realizing I lost a good friend. This is where I strongly believe in growth, for I have worked hard to acknowledge my mistakes and do my part to spread positive energy, yet the regret constantly wakes me up through nightmares I wish I could sleep through. I realize this is most likely not what As It Is had in mind while writing, yet I believe songs belong to their listeners. Once an artist releases a song it is up to the listener to devour it and find their own personal meaning.
“I DIE 1000x” might be my least favorite of the non-singles, yet with an album as impactful as this one that statement doesn’t hold much weight. Compared to the rest of the album I felt the melody could have been stronger. As It Is is capable of so much instrumentally, so when it came down to this track I felt a little underwhelmed. Lyrically, however, I was deceased. Once again everything I wished to say was worded so powerfully, leaving me absolutely speechless after the first listen. Similar to the previous track, “I DIE 1000x” reminds me of broken relationships caused by uncontrolled and unmedicated mood disorders. The internet loves to glorify the mania aspect of bipolar and similar mood disorders, eluding it to being the cause of cute impulsive decisions like dying hair and random tattoos. While impulsive cosmetic decisions can occur, the reality of mania includes impulsive arguments. It’s an aspect of my mental illness I don’t particularly love talking about, especially since it causes the most damage. Constantly I wish for things to be mended with a former friend, fully knowing I was in the wrong and I don’t deserve a second chance. This is felt through the lyrics, “‘Cause all I am is who I hurt, And how I beg you in return, For a second chance I don’t deserve.” Ouch. This is a thought that constantly wakes me up, leaving me mentally maimed. I can’t help but feel the lyrics, “Yeah what’s another night, When every day I die, A thousand times?”
“I CAN’T FEEL A THING” features Telle Smith, and had I not known this was an As It Is song I would have thought I was listening to The Word Alive. When two bands that dedicate their platform to being raw and honest about mental health work together you know the product will be an absolute banger. This track is proof, bringing an instrumental that slaps and lyrics that rip my organs out from my body. Fucking ow. At a certain point, you start to gain a tolerance to the pain. You start to get used to the “Hell on Earth” we live in, leaving us completely numb inside. When I used to fall back on self-harm it was because I was tired of feeling nothing. It was like I had already died. I wanted to feel something– anything. If I could feel pain it meant I was alive, and that was all I truly ever wanted. Listening to the lyrics, “So give me sin, give me dirt, Give me what I deserve, Give me hell, Give me hurt, Give me all of your worst.” My depression leaves me feeling numb to any emotion; good, bad, or indifferent. This makes it hard to find helpful coping mechanisms, especially when I am reaching to feel anything at all. Self-harm is a super unhealthy coping mechanism, and through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy I have learned healthier ways to stimulate a feeling without harming myself. One alternative that I have found to work is snapping a rubber band against my wrist. This leaves a slight sting yet does zero damage to my actual body. Another helpful coping mechanism is drawing on my wrists with gel pens. I will draw little doodles that inspire hope as well as quotes to help me smile and keep moving forward. I know these are temporary solutions, yet they offer an escape without the harm.
There is a trend lately where albums end with the title track, and I find it absolutely cool, especially when the title track is a summary of the album itself. I found “I WENT TO HELL AND BACK” perfectly summed up the content of each prior track, adding a gentle-ish closure to the soundtrack. I say gentle-ish because much like “The End” from The Great Depression, “I WENT TO HELL AND BACK” is a softspoken melody with hauntingly dark lyrics. When stuck at the bottom of a deep trench all hear is how we’ll be okay and that we’ll make an escape. It does not matter that we dug the trench ourselves and it does not matter if an escape is even possible. We just want to be told it is all okay. We desperately look for any trace of positivity to return to ground level. The lyrics “Please just tell me everything’s gonna be alright, I’ll let you break your promise, you can tell me lies, And you don’t have to worry if you don’t ask why, Just tell me everything’s gonna be alright” really drive this message home. This is a song I would add to my personal mental health playlist in order to help ground myself. The assurance that everything will be alright is all I need to hear when I am stuck in the trench I buried myself in.
At the end of my first full listen-through, I felt my lungs closing in on me– a feeling I have not had from As It Is since I last heard “Austen” performed live during the OkayUSA tour. After that first listen I knew this would be a sure contender for album of the year. Instrumentally, As It Is has grown so much, and lyrically Patty is gaining strength. I wish I could give all three lads a giant hug, letting each member know that I understand how they feel and they are not alone. We are never really alone. Months after the release, I am still going back to I Went To Hell And Back, the album offering a strong dose of reality and ending with a comforting hug. Everything I have experienced mentally and physically is real. I am not alone in my struggle, nor is anyone else, and this album solidifies that fact. Go ahead and give I Went To Hell And Back a spin or stream and learn how it is okay to not be okay. Have hope.
Comments